Darth Squeaker - Ramblings Of An Misunderstood Scientist

And so we go on...

I haven't yet written about how the National Swim Championships went. And I'm sure many of you have wondered about it since I haven't talked about it at all. Or wondered how I've been since I haven't talked much in the time following. Truth be told, I did improve during the meet and it wasn't a really bad swim. Still, I didn't improve as far as I wanted and seeing everyone shoot ahead of me when I knew I had trained much harder than most, if not all of them, was very... depressing. It was shattering not to make the team, and not only that, to have done so badly in comparison with most of my team mates.

Before the race, John said to me, "I know you can swim but can you race?" Evidently, I'm still having trouble with that aspect. Funny thing is, I felt much more relaxed and psyched for this meet than I've been for any other meet. Much less nervous and much less stressed out. Why I performed badly is beyond me. I did great on the first day and in the morning of the last day.

In the past few days, I took a break from swimming. For most part to reflect on what had gone wrong, where I go from here. And also, to a lesser extent, to avoid seeing everyone at the pool. It was just a painful reminder of where I'd failed. In many ways, I resented and still resent some of them for doing so well while I got left behind. So, it was difficult to see the last night at the dinner. In any case, seeing them was good. It helped me overcome my resentment, for one thing. Which, though wrongly placed, I couldn't shake off previously.

In any case, I've been thinking about it and I guess I still enjoy swimming too much to stop. And I still have NS, so I'll be swimming for a year more at least. Not ready to go back to the pool yet. Probably will by next week. But not now.