The Return of the King

Well, that was disappointing. I was expecting a documentary about Elvis.

Ba-bum-bum *crash*

Okay, okay. Seriously. I don't think I've ever trembled with excitement in a movie before. I didn't move from my seat until the credits had finished, despite the pressures of a bucket of popcorn and a large soda. I didn't want to miss a thing.

However, despite the greatness of the movie, there were a number of rather abrupt cuts in the movie. So for my readers' enjoyment, I now present to you...

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Secret Deleted Scenes!

Scene: Aragorn walks out into the night at the Golden Hall of Edoras. He notices Legolas standing over to his left, looking out into the night. He walks over and they stand together in silence for a moment.

Legolas: The stars are veiled. A shadow falls over the land.

Aragorn: Yes... I can see that for myself. Thanks for stating the obvious.

[Ed.: there really is an abrupt cut at the end of this dialogue. Go see for yourself]

*****

Scene: Frodo is sneaking out of Shelob's lair toward Cirith Ungol. Unbeknownst to him, Shelob has caught up with him and is sneaking up behind him.

Frodo: My spider sense is tingling...

*****

Scene: Eowyn stands over Theoden's body, facing the Witch-King, Lord of the Nazgul.

Witch-King: You fool, no mortal man may kill me!

Eowyn: I am no man! I am Eowyn daughter of Eomund!

(Merry stabs the Witch-King in his knee and Eowyn buries her blade between the crown and mantle. The Witch-King begins to disintegrate.)

Witch-King: Aiyeeee!!! I'm melting!!! I'm melting!!! Who ever thought a little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Ohhhhh...What a world! What a world!

Sauron: Damn @#$% loopholes!

*****

Scene: Gandalf, Aragorn, Eomer, Legolas and Gimli are holding counsel in the Great Hall of the Kings at Minas Tirith.

Aragorn: We must at all costs keep the Eye from his true peril. We cannot achieve victory by arms, but by arms we can give the Ring-Bearer his only chance, frail thought it be. We must push Sauron to his last throw. We must call out his hidden strength so that he must empty his land. We must march out to meet him at once, so that he does not turn his gaze upon Frodo.

Legolas: A distraction!

Aragorn: What did I tell you about stating the obvious?

*****

Scene: Gandalf, Aragorn, Eomer, Legolas, Gimli and Pippin are before The Black Gate.

Aragorn: Come forth! Let the Lord of the Black Land come forth! Justice shall be done upon him!

(No answer. Aragorn impatiently dismounts and walks up to the Black Gate and knocks. Still no answer. He knocks louder. A rectangular eye hole slides open. A pair of eyes belonging to the Mouth of Sauron peep out.)

Mouth of Sauron: We don't want any! Go away!

(The eye hole slides shut. Aragorn bangs angrily on the door. It slides open again.)

Mouth of Sauron: I told you-

Aragorn: We want to see your Lord! Tell him the King Elessar is here and will see justice done upon him on this day!

Mouth of Sauron: Alright, but he won't be happy.

(Eye hole slides shut. A long pause. A moment later, a French Uruk-hai pops up over the wall)

French Uruk-hai: Hellooo you pompous human k-nigg-hts!

Aragorn: Now this is just silly!

*****

Scene: Gollum has bitten off Frodo's finger and is dancing on the edge of the precipice with the Ring.

Gollum: My precious! It is mine again! (dances)

Sam: What's taking him so long? He's supposed to fall over the edge while dancing! It says so in the book!

Frodo: *sigh* Do I have to do everything? Alright, I'll go push him over.

Sam: As much as I approve, Mr. Frodo, you don't want to look bad to the audience.

Frodo: You're right. I'll make it look like I'm fighting him for the Ring.

*****

Galadriel: The war is ended. The Third Age is over. The Age of the Rings is past. The time of the Men shall continue.

Aragorn: What is it with Elves and stating the obvious?!

Legolas: Come on, none of us apart from Elrond and Arwen get any good lines in this movie.

Elrond: Good lines? I sound worse than that Agent Smith guy in The Matrix!

*****

Scene: Sam is walking home after having bid farewell to Frodo. He meets little Elanor and Rose at the gates of his home.

Sam: Well, I'm home.

Rose: Sam, it took you thirteen months, a journey fraught with danger, and unbelievable suffering before you realised as you lay on the slope of Mount Doom that you wanted to marry me. In the meantime I've been here waiting for you since you left. What does that tell you about men?

Sam: Alright, so we're stupid. But at least we're full of heroism and grand, albeit futile, gestures.

Rose: And you're pretty cute, too!

*****

Lastly, here's Ming's critical reaction to The Return of the King: